I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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