could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
