I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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