He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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