I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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