When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
