My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
