her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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