you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
