Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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