I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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