i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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