my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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