theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
