I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
if only i could text you this smell
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
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