i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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