Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
