make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
where are my eyebrows?
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