why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
