EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
