forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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