every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
