i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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