I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize