Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
