pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
