im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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