if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
