I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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