You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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