This is not my ceiling
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
