If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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