You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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