Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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