He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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