My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize