i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
