Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
