She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
