In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
