What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
