Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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