wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
