enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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