Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
