I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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