I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
