Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I fill condoms, not promises.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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