I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
