I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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