Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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