I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
