Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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