fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
