The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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