you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
