and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
