i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
