Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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