I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
